The moment you've all been waiting for has arrived! We have finally reached the end of our journey with "The Bottom 40 - The 40 Worst Songs of All Time." These songs are truly the worst of the worst, and it was painful to have to listen to each of them as I wrote this post. I hope that my suffering brings you enjoyment. Voila!
10. LFO – Summer Girls
I’m almost speechless trying to say something about how awful this song is, but I’ll try to muster something. Idiotic, nonsensical, ill-conceived, pandering, absurd, name-dropping, completely worthless ear vomit. I think that’s about it.
9. Tom Jones - What's New Pussycat?
Creepy, cheesy, perverted garbage, and Tom Jones has been trading on this since 1965. This reached #3 on the charts. Seriously.
8. Green Jelly - Three Little Pigs
Ah, yes. The theme song for every smelly, pimple-faced heavy metal geek in 1993. The only reason it isn’t ranked lower is the music video, which is like an impressively bad acid trip. I believe this was the 3rd sign that the apocalypse is upon us.
7. Paula Abdul – Vibeology
Question: What do you do when you have a manufactured pop star who can’t carry a tune? Why, you take an old 8-bit sampler and create a completely atonal mess and then have her caterwaul over it with some ridiculous garbage lyrics. Then you collect a giant check because the song hit #16, and the album hit #1 on the Billboard 200 and went triple-platinum.
6. Stars on 45 – Medley
Please take a moment to immerse yourself in the awe-inspiring awfulness of this disco “mega-mix” that hit #1 in 1981. So many butchered hits, it’s like they released Freddy Krueger and Leatherface into the crowd at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
5. Benny Mardones - Into the Night
This song is wrong for so many reasons… It charted in the Billboard Top 20 twice – once in 1980 when it was originally released and again in 1989. Between those two instances, it was on the charts a total of 37 weeks, making it the longest-charting single by a solo artist for the entire decade of the 1980s. Yes, even longer than anything Michael Jackson did. Also, creepy Benny was 34 years old when he first recorded the song, which is an icky ode to his lust for a 16-year old girl.
4. Bette Midler - From a Distance
At first, you’re like “Oh, Bette… What a nice song about how God loves us and is watching us, what an inspiring message…” Then you realize that the song is really about how humanity is destroying itself and God doesn’t care and isn’t going to do anything about it, and we’re ultimately doomed to exterminate our own species. Other than that, good song.
3. Meatloaf - Paradise by the Dashboard Light
Meat Loaf has the odious distinction of being the only artist with not one, but two separate songs in the 40 Worst Songs of All Time. I can’t even begin to explain my hatred for this song. A long time ago, I used to DJ a karaoke night at a bar in Ellicott City. This song would be sung by two separate drunk, tone-deaf couples each night. Add to that the fact that the song is interminably long, and includes a two-minute 70’s-porn-music breakdown complete with baseball play-by-play announcer describing the protagonist’s progress getting into his date’s pants. Add to that the two-minute screaming match about “let me sleep on it” and “I wanna know right now” and I want to stick a rusty nail in my ear. I could go on, but I’ll stop there.
2. The Knuckleheads - Curly Shuffle
Why was this even made? Doesn't this say something about our civilization?
1. Gordon Lightfoot - The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
And now, we have arrived at the song below all songs – a song that truly deserves the title of the Worst Song Ever Made. First of all, you can’t understand anything Gordon Lightfoot is saying in this boring, mumbling piece of aural flotsam. When you actually find out what he’s saying (I’ve included a subtitled video above), you realize that it’s actually is a song about the sinking of the SS Edmund Fitzgerald in 1975, killing all 29 crew on board. First of all, is a memorial song necessary? Second, isn’t it an insult to have your memorial song sung by Gordon Lightfoot? I have many, many problems with this song, but above everything else is the fact that it’s 7 minutes and 45 seconds of completely repetitive monotone, unintelligible gibberish. It also peaked at #2 on the Billboard charts in November 1976. Surely, the end is near.
There you have it! So, what do you think? What did I miss? Any comments are welcome - just keep it clean. This is a family show, you know!